Though Judaism is a spiritual practice, many Jewish observances are grounded in my people’s connection to the land of Israel. From praying for rain at certain times of year, to celebrating the harvest season, Jews maintain that connection to Israel in almost everything we do.
Tu BiShvat is not a traditional Biblical Jewish festival like Passover or Sukkot. Instead it derives from a rabbinical interpretation of a law that required the ancient Hebrews to plant trees upon entering the land of Israel but wait three years to partake of their fruit. However, the Jewish people could eat from older trees. Seeing the need to determine a “birthday” for trees, the Rabbis established the 15th day of the Hebrew month of Shevat as the Birthday of the Trees.
Over time, the holiday has evolved to become an important way for Jews across the world to stay connected to the land of Israel.
Whether it is nasty comments shared across the cafeteria table, or targeted humiliation campaigns on social media, bullying is everywhere. Author and educator, Samantha Childs, shares her personal experience of being both a child who was tormented for her physical features and one who poked fun at another.
Samantha’s Story
“Egghead! Egghead!” The whispered words hit the back of my head, neck, and ears like the snap of rubber bands on bare skin.
I was 13 years old, at a new middle school, and the only girl in the all-boys study hall.
I stared down at my textbook and notebook in front of me, watching as the words before me became an illegible word soup. My heart pounded in my ears and I silently plead with the universe, “No.”
The Teasing Continued
“Egghead! Egghead! Egghead! Egghead! Egghead.” The chanting spread, like a wildfire. Like joy. Every boy chanted that biting word. It jumped from desk to desk, from mouth to mouth. The whole class was there – even the shy blond boy who was my crush. And they were all chanting at me.
The bravest thing I could muster was to lift my eyes from my desk, to the face of the teacher in front of the room. But he would not look back.
I must deserve it, I told myself. The only way the world made sense was if I deserved to be treated this way. My forehead was big, and that made me unlovable. Something had to be deeply wrong with me for everyone to dislike me. The boys chanting, my old friends abandoning me, the girls and boys ignoring me. It had to be me. I felt ashamed for existing.
(Image Alt Text: child sits crossed-legged with hands over eyes surrounded by children pointing and laughing at them)
The Pain Of Being Bullied Can Last A Lifetime
My heart aches for that younger me. And I still hear her voice in my ear, worrying that others won’t like her or telling me that she doesn’t think she is good enough. (I hear it even now writing this article.) Sometimes we take the bullies with us, internally, because we think it’s keeping us safe, and in check. We don’t want to be caught off guard again. The fall – and even more, the shock of the fall – hurt too much the first time.
Bullying leaves such a lasting effect, I think because it unearths a core fear within us that we aren’t lovable. This fear can spring up into our lives in so many countless annoying ways, wanting to be seen and healed. In my own life, I’ve found that with almost every problem I have, when I dig deep enough, that is the little gem I find: the fear that I am unlovable. And I say gem because, behind that fear, when we rub it off like dirt, is the beautiful truth that the fear isn’t real – it’s just a fear – and that we are all lovable, exactly as we are. Even thirteen-year-old me and her big forehead and tear brimmed eyes.
Bullying Affects Everyone
After I wrote a children’s book about bullying, so many people told me their own personal stories. While experiencing bullying feels so isolating when it happens to you, the truth is that bullying touches all lives, jabbing its boney finger right into our ribcages. Ouch. Some had been bullied. Some had bullied. Some had witnessed it. Most, if we are honest with ourselves, I think have experienced bullying from each of those viewpoints. This is not always comfortable to admit. But it is ok. We are lovable, foibles and all.
I once told a classmate that she had very long toes. (Interestingly, I also have very long toes.) The whole class started laughing with such fervor. I felt stunned – and also, like a bully. The laughing was too strong. I have thought about this and felt badly about it for decades. I wish I could take back my comment, not because I intended it to be mean – it was more careless – but because I didn’t like it being attached to the laughter that followed it. And I didn’t like that small feeling of power and acceptance that I felt while they laughed. I wanted it – to be loved and accepted, especially at that time in my life when I was ignored and bullied everyday- but I didn’t want it that way. Girl with the beautiful toes, I am so sorry.
How To Prevent Bullying
Now, I am frequently asked for advice on bullying, especially for parents raising children in a world where bullying now occurs both on the playground and in the digital realms as well. Here are a few things that come to mind:
Set An Example
Think about how you speak when you are behind closed doors with your family. When you are saying critical things about others (even celebrities) your children are listening. When you stand up for others, even just in conversations, your children are listening.
Read Books About Bullying
Read children’s books about bullying and talk about them afterwards. How would you have felt if you were bullied? What could you have done to get help? What could you do if you saw someone bullying? Could you make the situation better or worse? Why do you think that people bully others? Make it fun and not feel like a lecture!
Let Your Child Know They Are Loved
In every way, let your child know that they don’t have to be perfect (or anywhere near it) to be loved. They are lovable exactly as they are, always. Tell them this with words. With books. With actions. And let them know that they can come to you, no matter what, and that you will help them. Shame is often a huge deterrent in kids not reaching out to their parents for help. When it happened to me, I was too ashamed to reach out to my mom, and, super-parent that she is, she had to do detective work and volunteer at my school’s library to uncover what was happening to me.
First of all, you deserve it. You deserve your love. Second, you are your child’s role model. How you treat yourself and speak to yourself is an example to your child of how they should treat and speak to themselves.
About The Author
Samantha Childs is an author and teacher from Solana Beach, California. She holds a BA in Literature from Claremont McKenna College, a JD from UCLA School of Law, and an MFA in Nonfiction Writing from Columbia University. Her new award-winning children’s book, Henri and the Magnificent Snort: A Children’s Book about Bullying, Belonging, and Love, tells her experience with bullying through the story of her French bulldog, Henri, who is bullied in the story because he snorts. He then learns that he is lovable, snorts and all! Samantha inspires others to see their own magnificence and the beautiful truth that we are all lovable, snorts and all.
Memorial Day weekend is almost here, bringing the unofficial start of summer and the start of vacation season.
With two children ages eight and ten, my husband and I have experienced many family vacations, and, over the years, I have picked up some helpful tips to make these trips more enjoyable.
Pack Smart
Packing smart doesn’t mean skimping on what you need for a trip. It means being mindful of what you must have on a trip in order to make it as enjoyable experience as possible. For some families, electronics are a must to ensure a calm and peaceful journey, for others, disconnecting is important. Some families prefer to bring their own outdoor gear, others find it better to rent at their destination.
When packing you need to think about the benefits and disadvantages of each item you bring. Whether traveling by car, plane or train, you never have infinite space, so being mindful matters.
If you have more stuff than you can handle and you must have certain items on your trip, consider shipping to your hotel. Often this costs less than paying extra baggage fees (if traveling by air) and is easy enough to arrange. When my family went on a trip sponsored by my husband’s company, I knew I couldn’t pack all the diapers and other items I needed for my youngest, who was an infant at the time. I was able to coordinate the shipment of diapers and other products to the hotel and everything was there on arrival.
Get A Place With A Kitchen
Family travel can be costly, and the idea of spending more on an accommodation that includes a kitchen may seem foolish. Yes, in some cases, your initial trip investment will go up, but the savings on meals, not to mention avoiding the often disastrous experience of dining out with small children is well worth it. Furthermore, vacation rentals are often a better value than standard hotels, and deals can be found if you are flexible with your dates and/or willing to stay further from the main attractions of your destination.
Even though my kids are better at behaving at restaurants these days, I still prefer the having our own space for meals when we travel. I like that we can wake up when we want and not have to worry about finding a place for breakfast or waiting online at a mediocre breakfast buffet. I like that if we don’t have to think about reservations. And, I like that if we want to eat a meal out, we always have the option to do so.
We keep our meals very simple. (Think lots of pasta, cereal and sandwiches), and pack much of what we need ahead of time (if we are driving). At our destination, we will pick up milk and other perishables.
What about all-inclusives? My little experience with all-inclusives has been underwhelming. I appreciate the convenience, but most of the time the food is average at best, and you still run in to a lot of the same challenges you would if you had to rely on restaurants. However, if you must do an all-inclusive, bring some food storage bags and use them to take some extras of things like muffins and bananas to have on hand in case your child wakes up hungry before the buffet opens.
Have A Mix Of Planned And Unplanned Time
There are people who plan every moment of their vacations, and there are people who just want to see what happens. Neither approach is ideal when it comes to family travel. Too many planned activities is exhausting, however, if your family has must-dos on their list, most often you can’t just show up and expect to participate. Popular activities often require reservations ahead of time, often months in advance. Smart planning also takes advantage of things like museum and transit passes.
While it is tempting to fill every moment of your vacation days with something to do, always being on the go can be exhausting. Kids (and adults) need time to recharge, and often the best vacation memories can be made on those “lazy” days.
These laid-back days are also when you are most likely to get the true vibe of wherever you are visiting. Taking it slow allows your family to better experience the local culture, people and environment.
Don’t Make it Just About The Kids
A family vacation is just that, a FAMILY vacation. Everyone, including the adults should enjoy the trip. Of course, there will be activities that are more for the children, and it is OK if that is the main focus of the trip. Just be sure to include activities you enjoy, even if they aren’t what your kids might choose.
As a child I was dragged to many sites I had little interest in, and, yes, I complained. Now that I am an adult, I can appreciate how much I learned from being exposed to interesting and unusual places.
Aim to have at least one activity for each person in your family to enjoy. For you it might be a museum, for your partner, it might be a site of historic significance, for your kids, it might be a candy shop. This gives everyone a chance to experience something they truly enjoy, and opens up the rest of the family to things they may not have chosen to do on their own.
Say Yes More
Vacationing with children is hard enough without stressing over what they eat or getting them to bed. Let them have ice cream every night and stay up well past their normal bedtime. Or, if that much deviation from the routine would be too hard on your family, consider allowing for some small perks like an extra hour of device time or letting your kids purchase a small souvenir item.
Saying yes more opens you up to new possibilities as well. If your kids want to explore a place not on your list, or if you see a tempting roadside eatery, saying, “yes,” may lead to the highlight of your trip.
Traveling with children will never be 100% stress free, but with some careful planning and an open mind, family vacations can be a great experience for all.
Mother’s Day is almost here, and, if you are like, many moms I know, I am going to bet you are too busy to think about how you might treat yourself that day. I am going to further assume most of the time you are thinking about your kids, your marriage, your endless to-do list, leaving little time to focus on yourself.
I am a mom of school-age kids, long past the fog and exhaustion of the early parenting years, yet even I find myself forgetting to take care of my self. Making a more conscious effort to focus on my needs not only improves my mental health, it makes me a better mom and wife. As the old adage goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Mother’s Day is a great time to make the decision to do more for yourself. They don’t have to be huge things. As you will see below, my suggestions do not require a great deal of time and can be incorporated into your routine with a few adjustments.
Find Time For Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a funny word. Aren’t our minds already full? Full of tasks to complete. Full of worries. Mindfulness isn’t about filling our minds; it is about allowing ourselves to be aware of the present. Mindfulness allows us time to pause, breathe and just be. While this can be done through meditation and simple breathing exercises, I find it helpful to have an activity that focuses my energy on a simple task.
For me, painting is one such activity, however, dealing with paints and cleanup can be a pain and detract from the whole point of finding time to relax and just be. This is why I love the Buddha Board. Made with a special canvas that enables you to paint beautiful designs with just a brush and water, the Buddha Board is perfect for when you need a few moments to let your mind go of all the things and just be. Even better, the designs disappear when the water dries up, leaving you with a blank canvas to use again. The disappearing art also serves as a reminder to not get too caught up in the stresses of life and to just let go.
Get Better Sleep
Notice I didn’t say “more” sleep. Parenting makes it hard to get nine hours of deep, uninterrupted sleep. Instead, we have to focus on getting the best rest we can. While we can’t control how much our babies will cry in the middle of the night, or whether our preschooler will wake up scared from a nightmare, we can set ourselves up for a good night’s rest.
One way to do so is getting in the right mindset for sleep. For me, this means (although I often fail to follow through), limiting the amount of screens, particularly my phone, I view before bed. At the very least, making sure I take a few moments to take some slow breaths and allow my body to relax. For some, simply telling yourself to relax is a non-starter, so using your favorite meditation app, a sound machine, or having your partner lead a guided meditation may be useful.
Use Products You Can Feel Good About
My skincare routine is minimal, and as you may guess from the name of this blog, I am hardly the person to give advice about personal hygiene. However, as I get older, I am finding new ways to better care for myself.
Using beauty products with healthy, natural ingredients makes my hair, skin, teeth feel better, and makes my mind feel better for choosing items that have less of an impact on the environment. While there is no denying these products can have a higher upfront cost than many of their conventional counterparts, over time the benefits prove worth the investment.
Spend Some Time Outdoors
Whenever I am feeling stressed, sluggish, overwhelmed, or just not myself, spending time outside always makes me feel better. I am lucky to live near a bunch of great hiking trails, and I am grateful for the solace I find in the woods. However, you don’t need drive hours out of your way to enjoy a soul-cleansing walk. Even a short walk around your neighborhood, or a trip to the park can be enough to lift your spirit.
No time to walk? I get it. If you can find five minutes, open your front door, or step outside onto your balcony/fire escape, and just take a few deep breaths. Just that quick experience can be enough to get you in a better place.
Read A Book Just For Fun
While there is nothing wrong with reading parenting books, or books that are part of your coursework or to obtain a specific skill. Reading for pure joy is a great way to treat yourself. No one type of book is best. I just finished The Golden Compass and followed it up with a book on economics. Readinga diverse variety of books keeps my mind sharp and reminds me I am more than just mom brain.
I am a huge fan of my local library, as it allows me to try new books before my shelves start piling up with too many titles.
Remember self care is unique to you and what works best for some might not work best for others. Just remember that you matter and you deserve to show yourself some love on Mother’s Day and every day.
Disclaimer: This post contains a paid link as well as links to sponsored posts. All views expressed are my own.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, my dad would buy my mom box of chocolates. My siblings and I were grateful for any our mother would share, knowing full well those were her chocolates.
After all, at least as we understood it, Valentine’s Day was a holiday for grown-ups, and more specifically, for grown-ups in arelationship.
We weren’t showered with candy and gifts, because the holiday wasn’t about us.
Being a parent today means having access to a wealth of information to guide you toward raising your kids in the best possible way. In the “old” days our parents and grandparents maybe had a handful of books and an occasional newspaper advice column to turn to for help. Most of the time, people with kids were just making it up as they go, and didn’t live under constant fear of shame and ridicule. Or, at the very least, any shame they felt was limited to a close circle of friends and family.
Now, we have a whole Internet full of ideas on how to raise kids, and, more often than not, a contradictory list of all the ways you’re doing parenting wrong. You would be right to think we shouldn’t let our worth be determined by randos online, but, what can I say, those keyboard warriors have a weird power about them.
As much as I share about my motherhood experience, I do hold back, because I know many of the things I do as a parent would be met with ridicule and shame. My style is a mishmash of attachment, tiger, free-range and anything else you may think of. My parenting often changes with my mood or based on what I feel my kids’ need. I consider outside input, then do what I feel is best for my family.
No matter how I hard I try, I still feel shamed by parenting “advice” online, whether it is coming from an expert or just a bunch of moms in a Facebook group. I acknowledge that as a writer who focuses on parenting, I also contribute to this mess. I hope anyone who reads my stuff takes it with a very large grain of salt.
I think we need to laugh at how varied and disconnected parenting advice can be, so I made I list of all the things I have done or am doing wrong as a parent.
My oldest will soon be 10 years old, and, with each year, he is becoming one of fewer and fewer kids his age with their own phone. He has known children with smartphones since he was in Kindergarten, and has expressed interest in one ever since.
Before he was nine, I wouldn’t even address the question of getting him a phone. I believe (and still do), he had no valid reason for having one, and trusted that he was always with a reliable individual (whether a teacher, relative or activity leader), who had access to a phone and my information should he ever be in trouble.
Still, I understand the desire to want to enable our kids to be able to reach us if/when they are in trouble or scared. My son is growing more independent, and if a phone could help ease some of my worries and allow him to do more on his own, it may not be a terrible solution.
This thought occurred to me last month, when my son wanted to march in our town’s Homecoming Parade with the Middle School. When I dropped him off, there was no clear adult in charge (though there were some present), and it was a loud chaotic mess of teens, floats and excitement.
I hesitated and asked my son if he wanted to stay. He said he did, and though I felt concerned about his welfare, I agreed, got back in my car and drove off to meet my husband and our seven-year-old with whom I’d be watching the parade.
I began limiting animal-based foods from my diet when I was in college, mainly because I never loved the texture of most meat, and I was drawn to the idea that cutting back on such food could be beneficial to the environment. I went back and forth on what exactly I included in my diet, eventually settling in my comfort zone, which is as a technical pescatarian (though my fish intake is limited), who is currently limiting dairy.
For me, cutting back on meat is simple, as I enjoy many fruits, vegetables, nuts and other plant-based products. I am perfectly happy with a salad filled with colorful ingredients, and can put together a full meal entirely of sides at even the most meat-centric restaurant. My kids, however, do not share my love of veggies, and getting them to think of greens, whole grains, legumes and other plant-based foods as tasty parts of a healthy diet has been a futile effort. Like many parents, meat-eaters or not, I stress about whether my kids are eating enough nutritious foods (spoiler: mine probably are not).
Social media makes me believe every other family has kids who happily eat platefuls of raw spinach, while I am happy with mine eating a few pieces of lettuce at dinner. What I am learning, however, is no family is perfect, and that we need to take a deep breath and realize we are all probably doing much better than we realize. I was grateful for the opportunity to speak with Brooke Brimm, a mom, advocate and champion of plant-based eating. Brooke, who has been vegan for many years, believes adding plant-based foods shouldn’t be a negative or stressful experience. In our chat on Instagram, Brooke shares how eating more vegan foods is not about shaming meat or meat eaters, nor is it about projecting our own needs onto our family. She urges her followers to make food a positive experience and to embrace the myriad of ways many of us (our kids especially) enjoy eating.
When my husband and I were considering areas for our growing family, we wanted to be sure we would settle in a place our kids could thrive and be fulfilled. Though this meant looking into a number of factors, such as schools and overall quality of life, I made a point to place one particular community element at the top of my list: the local library.
Whether the town or city we visited was large or small, I took stock of how regarded the library was in the community. I took special care to observe the children’s section, as I knew that would be where my family would spend most of our time, yet also made note of the overall condition and atmosphere of the building as a whole.
To me, a library that is active, clean, well-staffed and highly regarded reflects a community that is engaged, involved and invested in the happiness and well-being of its members. This does not mean the library needs to be huge or filled with all the latest technology. I am well aware of how underfunded libraries are, and how unfortunately many communities lack the resources to improve old buildings, pay staff and keep shelves stocked. If you are able, please consider donating to your local library and other programs that support libraries across the country.
When you are exploring potential neighborhoods, here are some things to look for in the local library.
My oldest son entered kindergarten in September 2017, at the age of four. With a mid November birthday, he was one of the youngest students in the class.
Many around me questioned our family’s choice to put him in kindergarten — after all, the overwhelming trend was/is to let kids with late birthdays wait another year. I certainly wondered, at times, if we made the right call. Yet, in my heart, I knew he belonged there.
Sure enough, my oldest continued to thrive. His academic and social skills kept improving, and, by second grade, I couldn’t imagine him being in a grade below, even if some of those kids were in fact older than him.
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