Tag Archives: pregnancy

photo of a couple lying on the bed with their eyes closed

Get it when you can, and other sex tips for new parents

By Sally and Zach Maxwell

As parents of a three-year-old and four-month-old, we know the feeling of overwhelm and straight up exhaustion that becoming new parents brings with it. We also know that becoming parents together as a couple simultaneously brings you closer together and forms a true crucible for any marriage. It brings you closer together because the love you feel for your children is a greater love than either of you you have ever experienced before, and that love was born out of your union. It’s a crucible because the physical, emotional and spiritual energy that is required of you to care for your young children is also unlike anything you have ever experienced, and the nature of it is that it pulls you away from your intimacy. It’s the great paradox of parenting actually. 

You are no longer just husband and wife anymore. You are parents. And the nature of being parents is that your sexual intimacy, let alone even just time spent alone just the two of you can become the first thing that goes out the window.  

So how do we navigate this without becoming relegated to the “sexless marriage” category that so many relationships unfortunately end up in? Our children grow up inside of the ecosystem of our relationship and therefore can only be as happy as our relationship is. A sexless relationship is rarely a happy one so we relate to this area with the utmost importance. To answer this question we need to separate parents into two categories. Pregnancy through having children under the age of one, and parents with children over the age of one. This post will focus on pregnancy through having kids under the age of one.

For parents who are pregnant or with new babies under the age of one, you need to understand that you are in a very short, (though it can seem like it goes on forever) phase of your life and intimate relationship where sex naturally takes a back seat to the other necessities of your life. Currently, our second child is four months old, and still not sleeping much, so we are right smack in the middle of this phase ourselves and regularly remind ourselves that “this is a phase!” Sometimes we have a twinkle in our eye about it like “we got this,” and other times, whoever is the least exhausted of the two of us, reminds the other that “hey…this is just a phase.”  

For all parents of babies out there…we know it’s not an easy phase. It’s also not always a fun phase.  It’s a truly exhausting, but also beautiful, and at time’s makes-you-wanna-lose-your-mind, cry- from-joy-or-despair, sometimes-both-in-the-same-day, or-same-hour…phase!  

Now, that doesn’t mean that sex can’t happen in this phase. It just means that you must manage your expectations about it. This is not a phase of your relationship where you will be having long stretches of time just the two of you to be intimate. Nor is it a phase where either of you will necessarily have much of a sexual appetite. Especially pregnant women or breastfeeding mothers! So we like to relate to this phase as a “get it when and where you can” phase. If that means that it’s during a five-minute window where the kid is napping and you are both not too exhausted to have a quickie, then great. If that means saving a tiny bit of gas in the tank at the end of the day just to have five minutes of intimacy, that’s okay too. But manage your expectations about this phase. And make sure that if you can get it, that you do. Prioritize it in that way. 

Be a “yes” to getting it when you can. Know that during this phase, a “no” is always on the table, but for the sake of your relationship, err towards a yes whenever you can. Care about being a yes, even if it feels like it’s utilitarian or not a sexy period of your life. Your future relationship will thank you. 

We joke with each other that our sex life is stuck in a 15-month traffic jam because that’s about how long it takes from the beginning of pregnancy to a new baby starting to sleep through the night and life starting to have some sense of normalcy. You can still have fun in a traffic jam.  But you can’t drive fast and you can’t get to where you want to go until the traffic is cleared.  That’s this phase. Do your best to have fun in the traffic jam and both strive to initiate and be a yes in the rare offset moments that become available to you during this phase and you will move through this just fine and in moments, beautifully.  

The original version of this post, as well as a follow-up, can be found on the authors’ website.

About The Authors:

Sally and Zach Maxwell, owners of Max-Well Coaching, are personal and relationship coaches and love experts. They shared their first kiss when they were 18. Now, two decades later, they’ve successfully navigated many common relationship milestones together, and each day really does get better and better. They’re called to teach their clients how to do this in their lives. With nearly a combined 30 years of coaching individuals and couples, they synthesize the tools that we have learned to create a customized experience based on our clients needs.

You can follow Sally and Zach on LinkedIn and Instagram.

Learn all about being a surrogate from Dana of 39ish Life (VIDEO)

Surrogacy, or the process of carrying a child in the womb for someone else, is a fascinating and special service many parents rely on to build their families. And, while there is a lot of content from the perspective of parents who have used surrogate(s) to grow their family, we don’t often hear from the surrogates themselves.

I am fortunate to be friends with Dana Kamp, a fellow boy mom and writer, and one-time surrogate. Dana spoke with me over Instagram about her experience serving as a surrogate, and shared the often emotional story of searching for a match, going through a surrogate pregnancy, and where that relationship with that family is today.

Throughout our conversation, Dana shared valuable information for both potential surrogates and those looking to use surrogacy, and dispelled a few myths about what the experience entails.

Read on to see some of the highlights of our interview and watch the full video below.

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An invader in the womb, and other extraordinary journeys into motherhood

For many, the path to motherhood is unusual, often marked by difficulty and fueled by hope. As someone who experienced a traumatic birth with my second child, I understand how these experiences shape how we parent and who we are as moms.

In celebration of Mother’s Day, I asked my Facebook community to share the extraordinary ways they came into motherhood. These women embody the beauty, grace, love and faith that is being a mom.

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An invader in the womb

Like many couples, Mikenzie, who runs the Facebook page, Me and all my boys, and her husband struggled with infertility. When an IVF cycle helped her become pregnant with twins, the couple was excited their dreams of having a family were realized.

The dream turned into a nightmare, when, during her four-month checkup, a mass was found on one of the sonograms.

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You are a sexy, pregnant goddess

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Hey, you! Yes, you with the beautiful round belly. I see you shuffling along, tugging at the waist of your maternity jeans, wondering how you could possibly ever fit into your normal clothes again. I see you hunched over in your chair, trying to make your belly look a bit smaller because it is so much bigger than your friend’s who is a month ahead in her pregnancy.

Do you know how sexy you are? And not in the creepy, depths of the Internet fetish kind of sexy. I’m talking full on, goddess, make the Earth shift with every movement sexy. Do you know that’s what you are? Do you know you drip with marvelous, soul-moving desire? Continue reading

FORGIVING MYSELF FOR MY SON’S BIRTH

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“Wow, you are so lucky!”

That’s usually the response I get when I talk about how fast my second child took to come out of my body. Thirty minutes. It took thirty minutes. Second labors are generally faster, but there’s fast and then there’s, “Wait, did that just happen?” fast. My oldest son’s three-hour-entry now seems so slow in comparison.

So, other moms think I am lucky because I never labored in the way most women do. I didn’t have the marathon of contractions and hours waiting for my baby to be born. The pain and discomfort of childbirth I felt, while very real, was short-lived. I admit, it is hard to talk about the way I give birth because I know it’s so much faster than everyone else. Continue reading

Having kids made me love my body

There are a lot of beautiful stories to encourage mothers to embrace every extra pound, to view every stretch mark as a badge of honor, to see the joy in the jiggle of excess skin. These stories remind us that the loss of our figures is well worth the happiness of children. Continue reading

When’s the best time to be pregnant?

My first pregnancy fell during the months of March through November, meaning the bulk of it took place during the spring and summer. My current pregnancy began in August, and, if all goes well, will result in another healthy baby some time in April. This has meant lots of time being pregnant during the fall and winter.

Having now endured pregnancy during every season, I thought I would compare spring/summer (warm season) and fall/winter (cold season) and determine when is the better time to be knocked up.

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5 ways to be a new mother’s best friend

Congratulations! Someone you love has just given birth, and being the wonderful relative/friend/co-worker/random enthusiastic person you are, you want to be super helpful. And while your eagerness is certainly appreciated, you could end up causing more stress for the mother. Instead, follow these simple rules, and you will forever be in her good graces.
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