Dear Friends, Family and Fellow Cold Sufferers,

I write this letter humbly and sincerely seeking your mercy for I have put forth into this world a host for all things germy, slimey, gooey and gross. This creature, known to many as simply “toddler,” oozes wherever he goes, bringing a warning of ick with every nose drip.

“Keep him home,” the people warn. Spare us from his bacteria-covered hands and viral embraces. And keep him there, I often do, but this creature is a sneaky one, often showing no signs of yuck until you are smacked by the Flu.

So to my loved ones who are home sneezing; to my friends with sore throats; to those commuters who had the poor luck to sit near myself and germ magnet; to all of you, I say:

I am sorry

If you can take solace in my misery, know I too suffer from the wrath of unstoppable germ machine of my own creation. Often, I don’t know where my cold ends and my toddler’s begins. We just exist in this weird loop of mucus misery. My colds get colds and spawn more colds and mutate bacteria into resistant strands that I swear are mocking me.

To you, I raise a glass of apple cider vinegar, and thank you for being so forgiving. I thank you for welcoming my germ machine with open arms. I thank you for tolerating those sneezes and sniffles.

Next bowl of soup is on me.