How to assemble a toy in 101 easy steps


It’s never just “some assembly required.”

  1. Spend 15 minutes attempting to rip open the box with your hands.
  2. Take another five minutes to look for a box cutter. Find an old pair of child scissors to use instead.
  3. Hack at the box using the scissors like a miniature machete.
  4. Pull out the 50 pounds worth of packaging material.
  5. Buy yourself five minutes of quiet by letting your kid play with the bubble wrap.
  6. Pull out all of the 100 pieces needed to build the “simple” toy.
  7. Frantically search for the assembly instructions.
  8. Curse.
  9. Realize after 20 minutes that your child has decided it would be so much fun to make paper snow.
  10. Salvage the shredded manual.
  11. Vow to never buy another toy until you have grandchildren.
  12. Spend 10 minutes looking for the English version.
  13. Discover one step in that you have the wrong screwdriver.
  14. Say, “fuck it,” and use the one you got.
  15. Complete first task only to find you forgot to add the oh-so-important piece.
  16. Curse.
  17. Undo everything you’ve built and start again.
  18. Begin step two.
  19. Stop to address what has to be a dire situation based on your child’s screams.
  20. Discover the kid wants juice instead of milk.
  21. Appease the child.
  22. Curse.
  23. Finish step two.
  24. Begin step three.
  25. Spend 15 minutes looking for piece “A.”
  26. Realize you connected piece A to piece B when it should have been connected to piece 37.
  27. Go back and check what you already assembled.
  28. Curse.
  29. Take it all apart and start from step one.
  30. Complete steps one and two.
  31. Tell yourself you got this.
  32. Grab manual to find you have eight more steps.
  33. Realize you don’t got this.
  34. Throw the remaining pieces in a fit of rage.
  35. Search for the nearest hiding spot.
  36. Enjoy five minutes of zen before your kid finds you.
  37. Offer all sorts of bribes to avoid building the toy.
  38. Kid agrees and plays with another toy.
  39. Give yourself a mental high five for getting out of this situation.
  40. Celebrate by spending five minutes on Facebook.
  41. Get interrupted in the middle of reading “10 Cartoon Animals You Would Screw in Real Life.”
  42. Listen to your kid whine about wanting the new toy.
  43. Remind him about your deal.
  44. Realize you can’t negotiate with children.
  45. Curse.
  46. Begin step three.
  47. Discover step three requires the use of a special wrench that was included in the box.
  48. Spend 20 minutes looking for the tool.
  49. Realize the tool is still in the box.
  50. Rummage through the recycling to find the box.
  51. Retrieve the wrench.
  52. Finish step three.
  53. Wonder how you have already spent two hours on this project.
  54. Cry.
  55. Curse.
  56. Cry some more.
  57. Channel your inner motivational coach.
  58. Begin step four.
  59. Pretend not to hear your kid saying she is hungry.
  60. In the middle of screwing piece M to part 56, realize that you need to make lunch.
  61. Plead with your “starving” child to eat the food you prepared.
  62. Give up and serve her some mac n cheese.
  63. Comfort yourself because it’s organic.
  64. Hope your child has forgotten about the new toy.
  65. Learn this is not the case.
  66. Fail to explain the concept of patience.
  67. Resume step four.
  68. Stop to search for the very important doll your child must have at this very moment or her world will crumble.
  69. Finish step four.
  70. Begin step five.
  71. Tell child to stop poking you.
  72. Tell child to stop poking you.
  73. Tell child to stop poking you.
  74. Ask, “What is it?!”
  75. Find out your kid has to go potty and can’t hold it.
  76. Grab kid and run to the bathroom.
  77. Wait five minutes while he decides if he really has to go.
  78. Fetch the book he must have while on the toilet.
  79. Come back to find he has already went … on the floor.
  80. Clean up your kid and the bathroom.
  81. Finish step five.
  82. Begin step eight.
  83. Finish step eight.
  84. Do a happy dance because you completed a task with no interruptions.
  85. Read the manual again.
  86. Realize you skipped a couple of steps.
  87. Curse.
  88. Read the instructions again more slowly.
  89. Begin step six.
  90. Finish step six.
  91. Begin step seven.
  92. Endure cries of “Is it ready? Is it ready?”
  93. Shout, “Almost done!”
  94. Finish step eight.
  95. Begin step nine.
  96. Picture the box of chocolates you’ll indulge in after your kid goes to sleep.
  97. Finish step nine.
  98. Begin step ten.
  99. Rejoice as you screw in the last piece.
  100. Excitedly present the toy to your child, who is now bored and wants to watch “Paw Patrol” instead.
  101. Curse.

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