Ryan Gosling’s baby mama, aka Eva Mendes, has declared sweatpants as the number one cause of divorce. Phew! Tossed mine out just in time. However, I am left wondering what other things I need to stop wearing in order to ensure a happy marriage.

Sweatshirts:

Obviously, if you can’t wear sweatpants, you can’t wear sweatshirts. I don’t care if sweaters make you itch. You should really just wear a long fur coat with nothing underneath.

Flat/sneakers:

A woman should only be seen in heels, especially around the house preferably while also dressed in sexy lingerie.  Oh, that’s not practical you say? I believe that is why they invented the “sexy maid outfit.”

Glasses:

Get it together girl and put in your contacts. Who cares if your eyes are bothering you after a long day. While you are at it, throw a little make up on for goodness sake.

Pajamas:

If your sleepwear wasn’t made by Victoria’s Secret, it has to go. Flannel pants are proven to make men impotent.

Hair ties:

A good wife always has her hair perfectly coiffed. That messy bun or sloppy ponytail won’t win you any favors with your man. Go wash and blow dry your hair, woman!

Now that you have cleaned out most of your wardrobe, get ready to revel in marital bliss. Because, you know good communication, loyalty and a healthy sex life are just trivial things when it comes to maintaining a healthy marriage.