I took the Lamaze classes, read “What to Expect” and knew every freaking fruit my developing fetus was becoming. But, apparently, I missed the memo on what new moms are supposed to do, and it is time to come clean.

Here are some of my transgressions:

1. Where my baby sleeps has no discernible theme. The walls are blue, not because I have a boy, but because they have always been that color. On the floor is a safari-animal playmat, so I guess that is something. No wait, there is a theme, it is called “messy.”

2. I gave up on lovingly washing and folding every piece of clothing before my child wore it. Laundry is exhausting, so I just rip the tags off of something, when I need to clothe my child.

3. I never sent out a formal birth announcement, complete with requisite cuteness involving baby in some sort of receptacle. I even skipped out on the professional newborn shoot. The cell phone shots will have to do.

4. I never owned a nursing pillow. Somehow, I managed to breastfeed my son for almost two years using the boring, flat pillows I have lying around my apartment.

5. I do not know the exact moment my son said his first word, or even what it was. I think it was mama. Yeah, we will go with that.

6. I forgot to save a lock from the first haircut. I did take pictures, so go me.

7. I didn’t prepare any of the food for the first birthday party. Actually, I didn’t do much of anything, except show up, with the baby, of course.

8. My “baby album” was started as a gift and finished haphazardly by me. Most photos remain on my phone or on Shutterfly.

9. Speaking of photos, I never staged creative shots of my son mowing the lawn or cooking filet mignon.

10. My son has no YouTube channel, Facebook page or Twitter account on which to share his latest escapades in (not) sleeping, pooping and world discovery.

I hear you do the most for your first child. I apologize, future offspring.