Ten hilarious toddler theories on what we do in the bathroom

Before children, I had no idea how lucky I was to be able to use the bathroom in peace and privacy. Ah, to just use the toilet with nobody pounding on the door or screaming for you the whole time. Those were the days.


Once I had kids, I soon learned peeing with the door closed is a luxury reserved for those without kids.  Any attempt to shut the door and do my business was thwarted by the blood-curdling screams of tiny humans who couldn’t handle me “disappearing” for five minutes.

Small children have no concept of time, so whether their parents go on a trip for a week, or to work for several hours, their reaction is pretty much the same every time: flip the eff out. For some reason, however, when their parents decide to spend a few minutes in the bathroom, these little ones really lose their shit.

I mean it is just bonkers the reaction tiny tots have to the simple act of a grownup trying to use the facilities.They scream and panic as if they are being tortured, and because no parent wants to be accused of torture, we often settle for peeing with the door open.

But, when parents do decide to bravely shut the bathroom door for some much needed solace, where do the concerned babies and toddlers think we disappear too?

I have some theories:

  1. When we step into the bathroom, we somehow become transported to a parallel universe and our now forever stuck with Barb in the Upside Down. 
  2. The bathroom is our portal to our secret second family where our kids always listen and let their parents relax. Hmm maybe we should keep letting them think that. 
  3. We’ve been consumed by the toilet monster, thus confirming all of our toddlers’ greatest fears about using the potty.
  4. We took our magical transporting shower all the way to Disney World and are riding all the rides and meeting all the characters and just having the best time ever.
  5. The bathtub overflowed and washed us out to sea.
  6. We took a shower and melted, a la the wicked witch from the “Wizard of Oz.”
  7. We are having so much fun playing with all the bath toys that we are never coming out of the bathroom.
  8. We floated away in a giant bubble bath bubble.
  9. We fell in the toilet and the only way to save us is by screaming and pounding on the door.
  10. We are actually in there peeing.

Who knows how many other scenarios toddlers have dreamed up to explain our “disappearance” into the mysterious bathroom void. Is it possible they just think we are using the toilet and will be out in a few minutes? Of course not! That is way too logical, and we all know toddlers have no logic.

So, go ahead, be brave and shut that bathroom door, some day your kids will stop freaking out about it. 

But, no shame if you keep that door open, either.


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