Tag Archives: marriage

photo of a couple lying on the bed with their eyes closed

Get it when you can, and other sex tips for new parents

By Sally and Zach Maxwell

As parents of a three-year-old and four-month-old, we know the feeling of overwhelm and straight up exhaustion that becoming new parents brings with it. We also know that becoming parents together as a couple simultaneously brings you closer together and forms a true crucible for any marriage. It brings you closer together because the love you feel for your children is a greater love than either of you you have ever experienced before, and that love was born out of your union. It’s a crucible because the physical, emotional and spiritual energy that is required of you to care for your young children is also unlike anything you have ever experienced, and the nature of it is that it pulls you away from your intimacy. It’s the great paradox of parenting actually. 

You are no longer just husband and wife anymore. You are parents. And the nature of being parents is that your sexual intimacy, let alone even just time spent alone just the two of you can become the first thing that goes out the window.  

So how do we navigate this without becoming relegated to the “sexless marriage” category that so many relationships unfortunately end up in? Our children grow up inside of the ecosystem of our relationship and therefore can only be as happy as our relationship is. A sexless relationship is rarely a happy one so we relate to this area with the utmost importance. To answer this question we need to separate parents into two categories. Pregnancy through having children under the age of one, and parents with children over the age of one. This post will focus on pregnancy through having kids under the age of one.

For parents who are pregnant or with new babies under the age of one, you need to understand that you are in a very short, (though it can seem like it goes on forever) phase of your life and intimate relationship where sex naturally takes a back seat to the other necessities of your life. Currently, our second child is four months old, and still not sleeping much, so we are right smack in the middle of this phase ourselves and regularly remind ourselves that “this is a phase!” Sometimes we have a twinkle in our eye about it like “we got this,” and other times, whoever is the least exhausted of the two of us, reminds the other that “hey…this is just a phase.”  

For all parents of babies out there…we know it’s not an easy phase. It’s also not always a fun phase.  It’s a truly exhausting, but also beautiful, and at time’s makes-you-wanna-lose-your-mind, cry- from-joy-or-despair, sometimes-both-in-the-same-day, or-same-hour…phase!  

Now, that doesn’t mean that sex can’t happen in this phase. It just means that you must manage your expectations about it. This is not a phase of your relationship where you will be having long stretches of time just the two of you to be intimate. Nor is it a phase where either of you will necessarily have much of a sexual appetite. Especially pregnant women or breastfeeding mothers! So we like to relate to this phase as a “get it when and where you can” phase. If that means that it’s during a five-minute window where the kid is napping and you are both not too exhausted to have a quickie, then great. If that means saving a tiny bit of gas in the tank at the end of the day just to have five minutes of intimacy, that’s okay too. But manage your expectations about this phase. And make sure that if you can get it, that you do. Prioritize it in that way. 

Be a “yes” to getting it when you can. Know that during this phase, a “no” is always on the table, but for the sake of your relationship, err towards a yes whenever you can. Care about being a yes, even if it feels like it’s utilitarian or not a sexy period of your life. Your future relationship will thank you. 

We joke with each other that our sex life is stuck in a 15-month traffic jam because that’s about how long it takes from the beginning of pregnancy to a new baby starting to sleep through the night and life starting to have some sense of normalcy. You can still have fun in a traffic jam.  But you can’t drive fast and you can’t get to where you want to go until the traffic is cleared.  That’s this phase. Do your best to have fun in the traffic jam and both strive to initiate and be a yes in the rare offset moments that become available to you during this phase and you will move through this just fine and in moments, beautifully.  

The original version of this post, as well as a follow-up, can be found on the authors’ website.

About The Authors:

Sally and Zach Maxwell, owners of Max-Well Coaching, are personal and relationship coaches and love experts. They shared their first kiss when they were 18. Now, two decades later, they’ve successfully navigated many common relationship milestones together, and each day really does get better and better. They’re called to teach their clients how to do this in their lives. With nearly a combined 30 years of coaching individuals and couples, they synthesize the tools that we have learned to create a customized experience based on our clients needs.

You can follow Sally and Zach on LinkedIn and Instagram.

My husband and I bond over how bad ESPN can be

My husband follows the same routine every weekday morning. He pours himself a cup of coffee and sits down to watch ESPN’s “Get Up!” before beginning his work day.

Though I am not much of a sports fan and have even vocalized my disdain for a culture that allows rapists and abusers to continue to work in this field, I often find myself watching the morning sports show with my husband.

Participating in this morning ritual over the many years of our marriage, has enabled me to better understand the various goings on in the sports world. For someone who spends little time watching actual sports or following players on social media, I know a hell of a lot about team rosters, personnel squabbles, player injuries, pending trades and potential draft picks.

My husband appreciates my demonstrated interest in an area he is passionate about, and I believe this helps us connect with one another. However, the main way we bond over sports is in how we laugh about the amount of coverage ESPN, and in particular, “Get Up!” spend on the same topics.

They are, in descending order:

  1. Aaron Rodgers
  2. The Cowboys
  3. Anything related to the NFL

Do they talk about other athletes and sports, sure. I think they spend about two minutes on hockey now, because the Bruins are pretty decent. But rather than discuss why the Bruins may be the best team in NHL history, host Mike Greenberg and the rotating cast of former players and sports analysts use their platform to spend 15 minutes dissecting whether Aaron Rodgers will wipe his ass and use it as Rorschach test to determine where to play in the future.

Check out @GetUpESPN’s twitter feed for more proof that 90% of their content is about Rodgers and/or the NFL.

Do I care? No, I do not.

The repetitive, “Groundhog’s Day”-esque nature of this morning sports show has become a running joke between my husband and myself. We predict the talking points before they happen and make guesses on whether they will even cover certain big sports stories.

And for those wondering, yes, I have asked my husband why he continues to watch this show. In his defense, there is comfort in the familiar, and “Get Up!” does have some quality segments, such as Ryan Clark’s “Explain Your Tweet.”

Still, the bonding is over just how terrible the show can be.

I am sure experts will say you should connect with your spouse over more positive experiences. For us, our joy comes in mocking a ridiculous sports show.

We will continue to laugh over how much of a diva Rodgers is, and wonder if we miss when they used to talk all morning about Tom Brady.

We will continue to joke about the irrelevancy of the Cowboys, and how Dallas has sucked since Debbie did it back in the 70s.

We will continue to watch and raise our spirits over this very silly show.

Marriage means finding ways to connect and share interests. This might be an odd example, but it works for us.

Creative ways to connect this Valentine’s Day

When my husband and I first got together, Valentine’s Day meant spending an evening out at a fancy restaurant. As we have gotten older, and have added kids to the mix, February 14th is more often celebrated at home with a meal we cooked ourselves and watching a favorite movie or T.V. show.

While going out for dinner is a wonderful way to spend Valentine’s Day, you may want to mix things up a bit this year.

Read on for some creative ways to connect this Valentine’s Day.

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During this pandemic, I am grateful for my marriage

My husband and I celebrated ten years of marriage in October — an impressive feat in any year — but, this year feels especially triumphant, considering how difficult these past several months of staying home, schools closing, job uncertainty and more have been on us and so many other couples.

This pandemic has pushed many marriages to the brink, and indeed, we know a few couples whose unions are already dissolved or soon will be.

Then, of course, there are those high-profile splits, including that of self-proclaimed life coach, Rachel Hollis, that have left us disillusioned over what exactly makes a lasting marriage.

Did these couples fall suddenly out of love? Or, were there deeper issues uprooted by the challenges imposed by an unprecedented pandemic?

I wonder why other couples are struggling, while my husband and I, so far any way, have come through this mostly unscathed.

More than unscathed, I would argue or relationship has strengthened and evolved, as if the shared experience of going through hardship together has forged a greater bond.

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Dear G-d, thanks for the hormones

Our human bodies are marvels of creation. We are divinely crafted specimens, whose intricate functionality surpasses even the most advanced of machinery. Every part of us moves in beautiful synchronicity to enable us to live out our lives as best as we are able. And flowing through our impressive vessels are hormones, perhaps one of our greatest gifts from G-d.

Dear G-d, Thanks For The Hormones

Hormones? Are we seriously talking about those things which caused our faces to turn into bumpy messes as teens, and turns us into irrational rage machines about three quarters of every month? What’s so great about hormones?

If you stop and think about some of the greatest moments in your life — the moment you first fell in love with your spouse, your wedding day, the birth of your first child — almost every one of them can be attributed to hormones, those strange chemicals in our bodies which make us who we are and influence so many of our decisions. Continue reading

Poor husband can never find my yogurt (video)

I do the majority of food shopping in my home. An always exciting adventure, because I almost always have at least one small child with me. As any parent can attest, shopping with kids is rough, so when I get the chance to go by myself, or better yet, my husband goes to the store instead.

yogurtblog

Our grocery list varies little, and, most of the time, my husband has no trouble finding what we need. However, for whatever reason, whenever he goes shopping, he can never locate one item:

Yogurt. Continue reading

Towing the privacy line as parent blogger

I started my blog in 2013 out of a need to keep writing (my lifelong creative outlet) and to vent about my struggles as a new mother. While, I understood anything I put online wasn’t technically private, I did little to promote my work and gain an audience beyond my family and a few random followers. My writing was raw and more like what I would journal in a private notebook than something worthy of a larger audience. However, even from the beginning, I hesitated to reveal every personal detail.

privacy

While, I want my blog to be a place where I can be candid about my experiences as a mother, I also need to be mindful of my family and how my writing impacts their lives. I am sure, I have already written plenty which could embarrass my children, which is why, I will never write anything which mentions their real names, or share photos of them with clear shots of their faces. I do understand that because I myself am not anonymous, there are ways for people to find out who they are, but I at least can make it more challenging. Continue reading

Early bedtimes are not just about the kids

6:30 p.m. The late summer sun still glows brightly in the sky, nightfall is hours away, and I am ushering my kids to bed. The routine begins with a bath, followed by some quiet play time, stories, stretching and finally, sleep. The slow process finally concludes at 7:30 p.m. I tip toe down the stairs, fix my long-awaited dinner, and ease my tush into my couch for an evening of television that doesn’t star someone from the “Paw Patrol.”

I know many parents will shake their heads and laugh at the thought of their kids going to bed this early. You might even be reading this at 11 p.m. while your still wide-eyed toddler pretends the couch cushions are perfect for his version of “American Ninja Warrior.” I’m not here to judge. I have had those nights. Some nights, the kids are just not going to bed early no matter what you do.

I strive to make those nights few and far between. If both of my kids are asleep by 8:30, I consider that a good night, and earlier than that, even better. Continue reading