I write this letter humbly and sincerely seeking your mercy for I have put forth into this world a host for all things germy, slimey, gooey and gross. This creature, known to many as simply “toddler,” oozes wherever he goes, bringing a warning of ick with every nose drip.
“Keep him home,” the people warn. Spare us from his bacteria-covered hands and viral embraces. And keep him there, I often do, but this creature is a sneaky one, often showing no signs of yuck until you are smacked by the Flu.
So to my loved ones who are home sneezing; to my friends with sore throats; to those commuters who had the poor luck to sit near myself and germ magnet; to all of you, I say:
I am a member of several Facebook groups for moms. They have become so common, that poking fun of them has become standard practice. For better or worse, they have a huge influence on parents, and can be quite helpful. I know lots of parents who say they could not survive without them.
What if our little ones had the same access to Facebook (and knew how to read, write and engage in snarky banter)? What would their posts look like?
One parenting joy is the ability to bitch about the difficulty of raising a (insert age of child here). New parents struggle to stay sane while caring for a helpless, poop-machine. Toddler parents contend with tantrums, crayon murals and picky eating. School-age kids bring constant questions and whining. And, the adolescent years? Yeah, not even gonna touch that.
Seems almost every stage of parenthood has its challenges. So, is there an age when things are not so bad, or even great?
After nearly five years of completely unscientific research, I have concluded the period between four and six months is the most pleasant age for children.
I have few loves in life, my husband, my kids, and, of course, my Netflix. Give me a night with Francis Underwood or the ladies of Litchfield any day. And, while those shows are fantastic, they don’t always reflect the everyday mundane reality of parenthood. Just like I offered some parenting-inspired tweaks to some popular network programs, I thought Netflix could use some of its own.
1. Orange Is The New Food My Kid Won’t Eat
Will it be oranges or will it be mashed potatoes? Tune in to each episode of this riveting drama to find out which food your child now hates.
I’ve never been much of a trendsetter. And I’m certainly not keeping up with what’s on fleek now that I am a mom. Every once in awhile, though, something so awesome comes along to stop me right in my yoga pants.
Enter the “Clear Knee Mom Jeans” from Topshop.
Now, you may wonder why you should spend your hard-earned money on a pair of pants with holes covered by the same material your grandmother uses to protect her sofa, but, rest assured, this is $95 well spent.
Photo Credit: Nordstrom.com
Here are five reasons you need these pants in your life.
1. Cleaning up after your kids. No longer do your knees have to suffer the sting of being jabbed by one of your tot’s Legos. These pants offer the kind of industrial protection you need for tidying up any playroom.Continue reading →
Once you reach a certain age, you need to adhere to an accepted level of adulting. Sure, it would be totally fun to sit home in a robe all day drinking White Russians, but we can’t all be “The Dude.”
Society expects something of us grownups, and we can’t get away with the stuff we did in college and our 20s.
There is however, one exception. Parenting. Yes, having children entitles you to a hall pass for screwing your responsibilities. While most folks would not get away with these bad habits, somehow, those of us with spawn are not judged (or at least not as much).
So if you are not one who likes to dwell under rocks, you know about the British Exit from the European Union, which U.K. citizens passed by a margin of nearly 52 per cent. Yes, the whole thing has caused mass panic across the globe, but let’s not forget about the awesome term that was spawned by this madness: “Brexit.” I say, this word is up for grabs, and I am about to mommify the shit out of it.
So, vote yes on these 10 alternatives for “Brexit.”
You did it. You managed to piece together some semblance of an outfit that doesn’t include a t-shirt stained with child excrement and the pajama pants you have been wearing for the past two days. You even smeared on some make up before your toddler decided to use your eyeliner for his latest art project. You stealthily escaped from your home and are now ready to enjoy a child-free evening.
Then by some cruel twist of the universe, you soon discover your night out will not in fact be “adults only.” You spent so much time trying to get away from kids only to discover you and your partner will be enjoying your 10 p.m. dinner next to a family with four-year-old triplets. Continue reading →
I absolutely adore “Empire Records,” and I wouldn’t be a true fan of the movie about misfit teens learning life lessons while fighting a corporate conglomerate without acknowledging Rex Manning Day (April 8).
In honor of this special day, I present to you 10 Empire Records quotes that remind me of parenting. Continue reading →
I am a mom in my thirties, meaning I have zero authority over what is acceptable slang. I will even admit to having Googled a few words, so I could stop wondering who this damn Felicia woman was, and why everyone was saying goodbye to her. I realize that consulting Urban Dictionary to keep up with what’s cool is decidedly not on fleek, and I obviously have no business using these words in their correct form.
I do, however have some authority on parent lingo. I can speak toddler-ese with the best of them and can tell the difference between a baby saying, “Ma! Ma!”and “Ma? Ma?” Since, moms have given so much to the world already, I think we deserve the right to decide what the latest slang means. Continue reading →